What NOT to do
by Riddler Woman
Summary: When Laundry goes bad.An OC gathers characters of Hellsing to teach them how to do laundry, but things don't go so well! Read and review! and also recently updating, another Zoe scene! called I'm notta Dwarf!R
1. Bad Laundry!

**Disclaimer: well, I don't own Hellsing, cause...this is just a a fan-fiction, a part of one at least,my friend and I couldn't wait to get to this part in the fan-fiction and decided to put it up here to get comments on it, for all those who are confused.**

**BTW: This story is based on and idea from the story by Relics, called Laundry.**

"Attention class!"

Everyone in the room was already completely silent, but Zoe felt that being a teacher, saying these words were necessary.

"Today, we're going to learn how to do laundry! Instead of using spiffified new Washing Machines, we're going to use one of the older versions. Now I know some of you already KNOW how to do laundry, but it doesn't matter, cause I'm still going to teach you how." Zoe walked over to the washing machine.

"Now,this is a washing machine, it's what we do laundry in. First you turn it on!"

Walter, who was sitting at a 'desk' as were the others, interrupted her to say, "No, you put the clothes in the washer first."

"What? Heh, right! Of course, just a little...test...yeah. Well FIRST you put in the clothes!" Zoe piled in the pile of clothes that was near by.

"THEN you add this much soap!"

"Erm, Miss Zoe?"

"Yes, Monocle Man?"

"I do believe you're supposed to turn the washer on, to the correct cycle, and then add the soap, while the water is running."

"...Right.I knew that also. Well you do that and then you put in the Downy...or whatever thingy that you have that is similar to the Downy stuff."and with that, Zoe shut the lid to the washing machine and set the type of load.(Heavy, Normal, Light,etc.)

"Oh! Yes, don't forget to set how heavy the load is! Now that you've all seen how to do it, I'm going to pair you up and you're going to try doing laundry on your own."

And so Zoe paired everyone up, except Walter, cause he already knew what to do.

"Monocle Man, you get to sit there and be happy."

" I'm overjoyed to..."

Things were actually going quite well...until it exploded.

Now you probably all know what 'it' is, but you probably DON'T know which one 'it' is.

**-BOOM-**

Walter sat there, cleaning off his Monocle, completely drenched.

"Did I forget to mention that you put a little to much soap in?"

"I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THAT!"

Everyone else in the room was drenched as well, and everyone was slightly confused.

"...don't look at me like that, man with the hair!" Zoe exclaimed, pointing at a glaring Alucard, "I was just doing that to show you what...NOT...to do! So go do the right thing and do laundry correctly!"

In the background Walter let out a sigh, squeezing the water out of his tie.(HAH! IT RHYMES! 10 POINTS FOR ME!)

-BOOM!-

-BOOM!-

-BOOM!-

-BOOM!-

"HAH!Monocle Man! I'm not the only one who fucked up!SCREW YOU INTEGRA! YOU'RE DOING YOUR OWN LAUNDRY FROM NOW ON!"


	2. IM NOTTA DWARF!

**This scene is from another story that we're writing at the moment.

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**

"Dwarf"

The nick-name rang in poor Zoe's head. She muttered something that Alucard could not hear.

"What?"

"IM NOTTA DWARF!HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF PEOPLE KEPT CALLING YOU SOMETHING BECAUSE OF THE WAY YOU LOOKED OR WHAT SIZE YOU WERE! HM! LIKIFIED...LIKIFIED...LIKIFIED...THE GUY WITH THE HAIR! THAT'S IT! IM NAMIFYING ALL OF YOU PEOPLE, TO SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT!" With this very long and loud statement, Zoe tore off down the hall, leaving a confused Alucard. She stopped just in time before slamming into Walter, who was carrying a tray of tea down the hall.

"AND YOU! YOU'RE NOW OFFICIALLY MONOCLE MAN! GOT IT?" without waiting for 'Monocle Man' to reply, Zoe tore off down the hall.(ONCE AGAIN!)

Stopping in front Sir Integra's door, she opened it and yelled, "YOU'RE SIR SMOKE-ALOT! BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS SMOKE THOSE SMELLIFIED CIGARS!" and then tore off...again. Eventually she had to tear down a different hall, and in doing so she ran into Seras Victoria.

"YOU! YOU'RE RAINBOW WOMAN! CAUSE I HAD A DREAM AND YOUR FACE WAS ALL FUNNY COLORIFIED! AND THEN I WOKE UP AND YOU WERE LIKEIFIED GONE! SO YOU'RE RAINBOW WOMAN!"

And for the fourth time, tore off down the hall. The next person she ran into was Pip.

"YOU ARE BRAID-MAN!" Zoe kept his short and simple. I mean come on, the man has a braid around his neck. Then came Mr.Wall and apparently Zoe failed to stop herself in time to dodge Mr.Wall and therefore collided with him and then promptly passed out.

LaTeR

Feeling better after 10 games of DDR(Dance Dance Revolution), several different candy bars, and a whole 12 Pack of Dr.Pepper.(why is he a doctor?) Zoe thought it the best thing ever, to go to the mall and buy a pair of yellow pants with an orange belt.

So she went to the mall, and got her yellow pair of pants with the orange belt. Zoe was so very happy that she had gotten her pants that she decided to run through the mall and all the way to the car.(not that anyone knows that she doesn't have a liscence...)

While she was running she managed to slam into...another wall? No...walls aren't squishy! Zoe got up from the floor to look and the non-wall she had slammed into.

She found herself straining her neck just to look at the object now identified as a very tall, blond haired, green eyed, Scottish person.(feel sorry, Zoe's only 4'1")

"...whoa"

"God be with ye child."

"- I feel blessified! Wow! You've got legs!" Zoe exclaimed.

The man didn't say anything, but he did manage to raise a questioning eyebrow.

"You're tall!" and then sudden realization came over Zoe's face. Copying the man's accent she said, "I DUB YE! THY TALL ONE!"

"Wha-?"

Before the man could finish speaking, Zoe attached herself around his middle, swung herself around till the door was at her back, and then took off, cackling madly. She raced to a car that was parked half-way over a fire hydrant, spewing water out everywhere.

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A/N: Anderson accent makes my brain hurt, please read and review!  



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